What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
14.06.2025 01:24
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
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I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I was scared of men, in general
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Why is there so much free porn on the internet?
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I was seconnd youngest,
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She loved him until the end.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
We all went to grammer schools
Why am I attracted to older men?
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Would this be the day?
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
What makes someone feel "rich enough" in different societies?
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
How likely is it to make a living out of being a window cleaner in a Nordic country?
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
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Comes on , in middle age.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
How do empaths destroy narcissists?
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
What is it like to wear a kilt?
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Especially a lifetime of it.
What is unattractive about a nice guy? Why do some women don’t choose nice guys?
I could never make a relationship work though!
All the time i was locked up.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Has a psychic ever made a crazy prediction that turned out to be true?
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
It was going to be , some day.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
How does it feel to watch your wife get fucked hard?
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I waited trembling.
What would you change in Rings of Power?
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I think the readers, may guess!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I was 9 years of age.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I never cut or harmed myself..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
As i do to all so called friends.?
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
She was in good health!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
We were not on the streets..
Who then, do I blame.?
But ive been too sick for many years..
One cannot live in the past .
So whats the point in blame.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Put me off passion for life!!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Ive learnt so much.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I couldn’t, believe it.
She married twice! .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She found it foreign!.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
What did i know ?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
My life is so biszare .
He knew the spot.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
But it wasn’t much.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
So, i spoilt her more .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I don,t even have a pension.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
(And it was in our own minds.)
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I will be 64.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
And i lived it daily.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I write beautiful poetry .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
When she asked me how she looked .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Was to survive, this bastard.
This is soul school!.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I have no regrets .
My family never makes their pension either.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I was very sick at this time too.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Im still living with it.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
She wouldn,t have been !
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
But, we were locked up after school.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I said to her
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.